Taming My Anxiety with Writing and Yoga: A Weekend at Kripalu
If you know me, you probably wouldn’t think a center for yoga and health with a silent breakfast and no-phone policy would be my thing. Or maybe you would since I am pretty open to trying new things, especially as of late. In the past few years, I’ve started my own business, rented out my beloved vacation home, ran for and won a seat in town government, went cold dipping, and probably a few other things that old Lauren wouldn’t have done. So maybe trying something completely out of my comfort zone isn’t that far off for me. Still, yoga isn’t my thing. Heck, working out in any shape isn’t my thing.
So, if yoga and silence aren’t my thing, what made me decide to spend a weekend at Kripalu Yoga and Health Center? I needed a break. I ended 2021 on a high note, but that promptly transitioned into a very low start to 2022. I had high hopes for 2022 — my big birthday year (40!). But the year began with a COVID-19 infection, spending NYE alone, quarantined in NH with just my dog. The COVID-19 infection led to the cancellation of a long-awaited Patriots-Florida trip. The momentum from 2021 was officially lost, and my typical enthusiasm was slowly sucked out.
When you have major depressive disorder, these low periods aren’t uncommon. You could be going great for an entire year and then enter a slump, much like what happened to me. I wasn’t shocked about this low — just more bummed. The thing is, when you have depression and anxiety your whole life, you have these moments where things are going so well, and you want to believe maybe your mental illnesses are “cured.” So, when a low period comes along after a long stretch of highs or even middle grounds, you are not only low, but you feel discouraged that your depression has not been “cured.”
So, my slump became even slumpier, and I started to feel burned out from the business I had worked so hard to create over the last year. I kept saying I needed a break, a few days in a place where I didn’t have to worry about anything and wouldn’t feel compelled to bring my laptop. Initially, I had the idea of an all-inclusive Caribbean vacation, but several things kept us from booking such a trip. Instead, I began to look for a local spa retreat. I found a couple of places that looked phenomenal, but the price tag made me anxious, which was the opposite goal.
I eventually stumbled upon Kripalu. I had never heard of this center for yoga and health in the Berkshires, but I was intrigued. I scrolled around the website and eventually found a weekend retreat called “Anxiety Management Through Writing and Yoga” hosted by a woman named Lisa Jakub. The description of the retreat spoke to me — a woman with depression and anxiety talking about writing (and yoga). Could this BE any more fitting? (And, yes, that was said in Chandler voice.) As I mentioned, yoga is not something I regularly practice, but I’ve always known it would probably be helpful for my anxious little self. So, I thought this program could be just the thing to propel me forward in my yoga journey.
Lisa’s name looked familiar, and after reading her full bio, I realized where I had seen her. Mrs. Doubtfire. Yep, she was a kid actress. While indeed very cool, that wasn’t the only thing I remembered about Lisa. A while back, I read an article about her, and she mentioned that Robin Williams had inspired her passion for mental health. As a deeply passionate mental health advocate who is trying to speak more about mental health, Lisa’s path felt very aligned with my path.
As I kept reading about her story, something else resonated. She talked about hiding your mental health disorders and being scared to embrace your inner weird. And that’s something I get. You innately feel weird when you have dealt with life-long depression, anxiety, and other mental illness diagnoses. You feel different, like you are hiding this big secret, and if anyone found out, you’d be shunned. I’ve spent my whole life feeling that way. Just a note that part of Lisa’s “weird” is her abnormal upbringing, but the general concept of hiding your true self rang true.
I was always scared to tell anyone about my mental illnesses unless I was in crisis and my diagnoses felt like necessary information. Still, even when I did tell someone or even when I’d leave little breadcrumbs about my “issues,” I felt weird and different. And why wouldn’t I? Our culture treats mental illness as something to be ashamed of. We use words like PTSD, bipolar, and OCD as adjectives. We laugh when people go off the deep edge, and we scoff at people who admit their struggles. I have been perpetually ashamed and embarrassed. While mental health is becoming more normalized, we are still a long way off.
Anyways. Back to Lisa. Her story felt very familiar (minus the whole famous actress part), and I wanted to attend the program, but it wasn’t anything I had ever done, so I hesitated. After coaxing from my best friend and her sister, I decided to go for it. I signed up for the program. Then my business bestie offered to come along — not to do the program but just to partake in what Kripalu calls Rest and Retreat, a self-guided weekend of yoga and meditation.
The weekend itself could be another blog on its own, but I feel like keeping the experience close to my heart for now. I will say that meeting Lisa and being with my fellow anxious people was unlike anything else. When you constantly feel out of place, being with your people can be very comforting in a way you never knew could exist.
I will, however, share a general overview of the weekend in case you are curious. We did yoga and meditation each day, and I rose to the challenge, digging deep into my brain to remember my chaturanga and cat-cows from a brief yoga challenge I did a few years ago. (BTW, vinyasa is the most advanced yoga, which I did not know until I had already settled into my mat.)
We enjoyed three delicious and healthy meals, and, yes, breakfast was silent, but, no, it wasn’t strange. We slept in a bare-bones room in twin beds, and I lived to tell the tale. Although, full disclosure, we upgraded to the nicer building with our own bathroom. Although said bathroom had a shower with a glass wall, which made life a little interesting. But really, it was totally fine.
We kept our phones in the room as much as possible, although I snuck my phone when the landscapes were just too beautiful not to capture. I did two energy therapy sessions which was quite the experience for this little skeptic, but I left feeling invigorated, and happy I tried something out of my realm. Also, I learned that Kripalu was a former Jesuit seminary. As a proud Fordham grad, being back in a Jesuit building felt comforting — like one more reason this weekend was meant to be.
Overall, it was an incredible experience, and I’m so glad I decided to try something different. While an all-inclusive Caribbean vacation might’ve been nice, my weekend at Kripalu was precisely what I needed. I have a refreshed outlook on my business and my advocacy work. My time at Kripalu gave me new tools to calm my anxiety, introduced me to new friends and concepts, and it truly made me feel that I am not alone in my mental health journey.
“You are not alone” is something I tell people in my advocacy work all the time. Even still, no matter how much I say it, the truth is that sometimes it can still feel very lonely.
The moon over Kripalu grounds.
