Reflecting on 40 Years
They say that time moves faster when you’re an adult, and they’re right. No, really, time does move faster when you’re an adult. (Here is some light reading from Harvard and Psychology Today about why time really does move faster.)
Anyway. I digress. Time is really moving fast lately because I turn 40 soon. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting with this big birthday on the horizon. I remember my 30th birthday like it was just a few years ago, not an entire decade ago. At the same time, so much of my 30’s is a blur. I almost picture it like one of those movie montages indicating a time jump — a collection of moments whizzing across the screen accompanied by a whimsical yet sentimental song. But I don’t want to reduce the last decade to a mediocre movie trope — my 30’s were much more than that.
The last decade was marked by many highs and lows among countless average everyday events. The one thing that keeps crossing my mind is just how much I have changed in the last decade. Of course, most people change in some sense over the course of a decade. For me, though, it’s so much more than a change in style or surroundings. In fact, I’d argue that those two things have actually remained pretty consistent throughout the last decade!
I look back at myself a decade ago, and I can’t even believe the person I was. 30-year-old Lauren was so unsure of herself that she let it impact every aspect of her being. 30-year-old Lauren let the past dictate the present. She stored all her bad memories and feelings in her heart, and she carried that weight around everywhere she went. That Lauren never felt settled in her own skin, always letting other people and their opinions rule her. She felt like she was always waiting to be replaced by someone better. She never thought she was good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough.
Despite all of that, I had a great time in my 30’s. I fell in love, built incredible friendships, and made some pretty amazing memories (so many concerts!). The funny thing is that I never knew there could be so much more to life. For the most part, I thought life was pretty good. It wasn’t until the last few years that I realized life could be more than “pretty good.” And it wasn’t until the last few years that I realized just how hefty of a load my heart had been carrying around.
The last few years have been a monumental shift from that old Lauren to the one writing this note today. While I wouldn’t say I have become a completely different person or changed who I am on a fundamental level. I would say that I have become a better version of myself, and I think it shows. My heart has slowly but surely let that weight go, and I am a much more confident person.
I will probably never be the type of person who makes people move mountains for them, but I will stand up for what I believe in. And I will believe in myself and my abilities. I will roll my eyes at the naysayers, and not let their opinions of me change anything about myself. I will say no when I don’t want to do something, and I will be honest about my bandwidth. I will honor myself and my time first, and not apologize for anything less.
Of course, there will be times when all of this is out the window, and old Lauren waltzes back in. The biggest difference is that now I can always recognize when that happens, and I can get out of it much faster. I used to let things impact me for days, weeks, even months. Now, I have my moments, but I can move on much easier.
I am so proud of the person I’ve become, and it feels so weird to even type those words. But that’s what I do now. I take credit for my work and toot my own horn because that’s how you build confidence. I learned that you can still be humble and share your accomplishments.
So, this is me sharing my biggest accomplishment yet — finally believing in myself. Finally waking up and feeling so good about my work, my life, and myself. It took 40 years to get here, but who's counting? Time moves faster as you age anyways. 😉
